Jerry Astrology

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to thrive in relationships, while others struggle with trust, intimacy, or emotional distance? Or why you might feel clingy in one relationship but detached in another?

The answer often lies with our attachment styles.

The attachment style theory was developed by John Bowlby and subsequently expanded by Mary Ainsworth. This theory provides a framework for us to understand our behavioural patterns when connecting with others, especially in close relationships. It also tells us how these patterns are shaped by our relationship with our caregiver when we were young.

You might think I learnt about this theory as part of my development as a coach, but in fact, it was my astrology guru, who also has an MA in psychology, who introduced me to this theory. He also taught us how to identify a person’s predominant attachment style through astrology.

But I digress.

The first step in changing ourselves for the better starts with awareness. When we have awareness of our attachment style, we can then catch ourselves exhibiting those behaviours, pause, and change how we wish to show up instead.

In the rest of this post, I will give a brief introduction to the different attachment styles and explore how we can use this knowledge to improve our relationships.

The Four Attachment Styles

1. Secure Attachment:

• People with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They trust others, communicate openly, and are generally confident in their relationships. They trust that their needs will be met.
• In relationships: Securely attached individuals are emotionally available, handle conflict well, and maintain healthy boundaries.

2. Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment:

• Those with an anxious attachment style often seek high levels of closeness and approval and reassurance but fear abandonment. They may feel insecure in relationships and worry about their partner’s commitment.
• In relationships: Anxiously attached individuals may become clingy and dependent on their partners. They may also be more sensitive to perceived rejection.

3. Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment:

• People with an avoidant attachment style value independence and self-reliance over intimacy. They may distance themselves emotionally and avoid deep connections.
• In relationships: Avoidantly attached individuals may struggle with vulnerability and have difficulty opening up about what they are feeling, making it difficult to form intimate and close relationships with others.

4. Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment:

• This style combines traits of anxious and avoidant attachment. Individuals desire closeness but fear getting hurt, leading to confusion and unpredictability in relationships.
• In relationships: Fearful-avoidant individuals may alternate between seeking closeness and pushing others away, creating instability in relationships.

The above gives a broad outline of each attachment style. If you don’t yet recognise your attachment style, you can also ask your partner how you tend to behave during conflicts. This can give a big hint to your attachment style.

For example, if your partner says that you tend to keep quiet or shut down during arguments, you are more likely to have an avoidant attachment style. Or if you tend to blow up and get angry, then you are more likely to have an anxious attachment style.

If you are still not sure what your attachment style is, you can speak with trained therapist to help you identify your style.

Ok…I think I know my attachment style. Then what?

My big takeaway was understanding how I show up and am perceived by others, and how my behaviours affect my relationships.

To family and the partner, an anxiously attached person may come across as overbearing and needy. The attempts to get even closer might actually end up pushing others away if it is too much, creating more distance in the relationship.

On the other hand, an avoidantly attached person may come across as cold and distant, as if he is not interested in the relationship at all. Attempts by family and the partner to get close are not reciprocated or ignored, also to the detriment of the relationship.

(It is also worthwhile reflecting on how your attachment style is impacting your relationships at work, with your colleagues, bosses and direct reports. And perhaps more importantly, if you are also a parent, how is your attachment style impacting your relationship with your children and their development?)

Then the next questions are, “Is this how I want my relationships to be?” and “How can I change so that my relationships get better?” (because the other person has their own attachment style and needs too!)

To the anxiously attached person, perhaps strengthening your self-confidence could be a way to reduce your need to seek reassurances from your partner.

To the avoidantly attached person, perhaps journalling about your feelings could be the first step to learning how to connect with yourself, with your emotions, then to connect with others.

And I am sure there are many other wonderful ways to help us shift into a secure attachment style. If you have a tip, please do share in the comments so we can all learn from you.

Lastly…

Change is difficult.

I didn’t go into the details above, but our attachment styles are actually formed by how we were treated by our caregivers when we were young. The duration and the intensity of that treatment has an impact on how easily we can shift out of our default attachment style and into a secure and healthy attachment style.

The longer and more intense the treatment by our caregivers, the harder it is for us to shift and change.

Until I became aware of my style, I failed all the time. Now that I am aware of my style, I still fail, but hopefully my score will eventually creep up to the passing mark.

So, if you have an insecure attachment style, do be patient and compassionate to yourself as you navigate your journey of change. Don’t forget to seek help if you feel the need to. You don’t have to do things alone.

🙏

If you would like to have a coaching conversation to deepen your understanding on how your attachment style is impacting your relationships and explore ways to make a change, you can use this link to schedule a time with me – https://calendly.com/starryacorn/sample-session